Follow you down to the red oak tree.

"So I raise my morphine toast to you all, and if you should happen to remember it's the anniversary of my birth, remember that you were loved by me, and you made my life a happy one. And there's no tragedy in that."

Have a listen. This song's the reason I desperately want and simultaneously did not want to watch Third Star. I know it'll bring me eternal anguish if I do, but I also know I'll miss out on a masterpiece if I don't. It's about a man with terminal cancer, and his three best friends who took him on a roadtrip to his happiest place. To put it crudely. Seriously. My English isn't sufficient to describe its delicacy. Let's just say, I watched this a couple of weeks ago and sobbed through the entire movie. And I haven't really stopped. Just the thought of it... shit, I need a bucket.

Probably a bad idea to watch it at 2 in the morning.



- m.

in a blink of an eye

i lost everything that matters to me.

happy new year.








- m.

i would promise all i could

think about it afterward
humor me just think it through
it's all i ever asked of you.



bombay bicycle club can either keep me up all night or put me in a cycle of rem. i found myself humming lights out, words gone before a presentation last week. their penchant for reiteration  provided an almost euphoric state of mind.

either that, or i'll feel like i'm tripping.

now. is more of the latter.

pew pew pew. pew.




 - m.

"You contribute significantly to my raised seratonin levels.

Dopamine. Oxytocin. Serotonin. Vasopressin: creating the pathways to solidify this impossible pair bond. Making me silly with love."
- ivyblossom.


Autumn is easily my favourite season. New seasons of everything (!!!), baby. Though rubbish Internet connection has forced me to be awake at ridiculous hours in order to get my downloads running. Being terribly passionate about TV shows comes with a price, and unfortunately, eyebags are the least of my worries.

I have two more weeks left of my first semester doing my Journalism degree, and frankly, I'm numb to it. No more, "Ye Gods, I'll be doing this for the next 3 years!" other than for theatrical reasons. Crazy don't even cut it anymore. English is not enough. But you know, I'm cool with that.

I probably shouldn't be writing this now. My brother just commented that no one understands me today, cause I'm shuffling around the house cleaning the refrigerator while arguing with myself under my breath on the difference between fiscal and monetary policies and how much the Egyptian Revolution actually influenced the rise of street demonstrations and the like this year and isn't it cool that we are 400,000 babies away from 7 billion and in two days that One Tree Hill quote about how there are 6 billions souls in the world and sometimes all you need is one will be completely obsolete although not really since if there are 7 billion people there can also be 6 billion people but damn it I just really don't like Peyton okay and oh hey I'm 7,195 days old today but still haven't finished reading Fight Club.

Other things that I haven't finished doing include my news reports, a presentation, a critique and a little something that I have no idea what I was supposed to do. All of which I'm procrastinating in favour of this entry. Which only exists because my Internet's download speed is currently running at 11kb/s, and I still have 4 more hours to wait before my new episode of Supernatural finishes loading. Chuck's season 5 premiere can wait.

See where I'm going with this? I can't function! One week of sem break where I should catch up with my assignments — gone in a flurry of episodes of Community. It's already Saturday. I should go do them while I wait, but nope, still can't function. You know those Glamour Kills T-shirt that says Rock&Roll Ruined My Life? Change it to TV shows and I'll wear it. A proclamation of my current state of being splayed out on my chest.

I'm aware of the irony of the shirt, and so the irony remains. The things that you love are often the things that are bad for you. The things that you claim to ruin you are also the things that saved you.

I seriously can't imagine living without being passionate about something. It has come to a point that it's interlaced so tightly with my life that it will physically pains me if I have to let it go. Some people have their football, baseball, basketball. Others a particular band, artist, or music in general. Video games, fashion, food; cooking baking munching, gardening, cameras, money, sky diving, barbeque sets, koreans, cats.

I have my TV shows, and I'm crazy about them to the point that I put it before almost everything else in my life. If that makes me any different than the rest, you know, I'm cool with that.

Even if my grades don't, asdfghjkl.

I can't win.



- m.

every blessing comes with a set of curses.

last night i dreamed of hugging someone tight, but i can't remember who. what bothers me is that i know it's not you.

god, even in my subconscious, i'm constantly reminded by how much i could really use a hug. or by how much i just want to keep everyone here with me and never let them go.

but that's selfish.

i miss everyone already, but that's also selfish.




- m.

Mark Z. Danielewski.

"Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share."

(House of Leaves).


I need to get my hand on this book, but it's old and not available here. Reviewers either hated it, or loved it. Don't get it, or haunted by it.

I want to be moved.


- m.

Backpfeifengesicht.

Last week two school friends came to see his play, and he had hugged them close afterwards, comforting himself as much as greeting them. “They were an anchor of reality,” he says. To what? “To what I was and what I will be again when this crazy time in my life has passed.” 

(x)



I'm personally trying to keep this in mind, always.


College has been... to say insane would sound so tame. I finished foundation in less than two weeks ago and over the year, I've done so many things I never thought I'd get to do, never thought I would even do, never thought I have actually been wanting to do. Degree starts next Monday, and that's another 3 years of... that. Crazy times.

Some friends said I haven't changed, and I laughed. I have, but I haven't really. I don't want to be the same person waking up this morning as I was falling asleep yesterday, but there's no denying that some people have the ability to break through and pull out my core self whenever I'm with them. And I don't fight it. Cause I know that, with these people, I don't need to put on a façade. It doesn't matter what kind of person I am around them. There's no judgement, just acceptance.

My own anchor of reality, putting me completely at ease.


- m.