in a blink of an eye

i lost everything that matters to me.

happy new year.








- m.

i would promise all i could

think about it afterward
humor me just think it through
it's all i ever asked of you.



bombay bicycle club can either keep me up all night or put me in a cycle of rem. i found myself humming lights out, words gone before a presentation last week. their penchant for reiteration  provided an almost euphoric state of mind.

either that, or i'll feel like i'm tripping.

now. is more of the latter.

pew pew pew. pew.




 - m.

"You contribute significantly to my raised seratonin levels.

Dopamine. Oxytocin. Serotonin. Vasopressin: creating the pathways to solidify this impossible pair bond. Making me silly with love."
- ivyblossom.


Autumn is easily my favourite season. New seasons of everything (!!!), baby. Though rubbish Internet connection has forced me to be awake at ridiculous hours in order to get my downloads running. Being terribly passionate about TV shows comes with a price, and unfortunately, eyebags are the least of my worries.

I have two more weeks left of my first semester doing my Journalism degree, and frankly, I'm numb to it. No more, "Ye Gods, I'll be doing this for the next 3 years!" other than for theatrical reasons. Crazy don't even cut it anymore. English is not enough. But you know, I'm cool with that.

I probably shouldn't be writing this now. My brother just commented that no one understands me today, cause I'm shuffling around the house cleaning the refrigerator while arguing with myself under my breath on the difference between fiscal and monetary policies and how much the Egyptian Revolution actually influenced the rise of street demonstrations and the like this year and isn't it cool that we are 400,000 babies away from 7 billion and in two days that One Tree Hill quote about how there are 6 billions souls in the world and sometimes all you need is one will be completely obsolete although not really since if there are 7 billion people there can also be 6 billion people but damn it I just really don't like Peyton okay and oh hey I'm 7,195 days old today but still haven't finished reading Fight Club.

Other things that I haven't finished doing include my news reports, a presentation, a critique and a little something that I have no idea what I was supposed to do. All of which I'm procrastinating in favour of this entry. Which only exists because my Internet's download speed is currently running at 11kb/s, and I still have 4 more hours to wait before my new episode of Supernatural finishes loading. Chuck's season 5 premiere can wait.

See where I'm going with this? I can't function! One week of sem break where I should catch up with my assignments — gone in a flurry of episodes of Community. It's already Saturday. I should go do them while I wait, but nope, still can't function. You know those Glamour Kills T-shirt that says Rock&Roll Ruined My Life? Change it to TV shows and I'll wear it. A proclamation of my current state of being splayed out on my chest.

I'm aware of the irony of the shirt, and so the irony remains. The things that you love are often the things that are bad for you. The things that you claim to ruin you are also the things that saved you.

I seriously can't imagine living without being passionate about something. It has come to a point that it's interlaced so tightly with my life that it will physically pains me if I have to let it go. Some people have their football, baseball, basketball. Others a particular band, artist, or music in general. Video games, fashion, food; cooking baking munching, gardening, cameras, money, sky diving, barbeque sets, koreans, cats.

I have my TV shows, and I'm crazy about them to the point that I put it before almost everything else in my life. If that makes me any different than the rest, you know, I'm cool with that.

Even if my grades don't, asdfghjkl.

I can't win.



- m.

every blessing comes with a set of curses.

last night i dreamed of hugging someone tight, but i can't remember who. what bothers me is that i know it's not you.

god, even in my subconscious, i'm constantly reminded by how much i could really use a hug. or by how much i just want to keep everyone here with me and never let them go.

but that's selfish.

i miss everyone already, but that's also selfish.




- m.

Mark Z. Danielewski.

"Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share."

(House of Leaves).


I need to get my hand on this book, but it's old and not available here. Reviewers either hated it, or loved it. Don't get it, or haunted by it.

I want to be moved.


- m.

Backpfeifengesicht.

Last week two school friends came to see his play, and he had hugged them close afterwards, comforting himself as much as greeting them. “They were an anchor of reality,” he says. To what? “To what I was and what I will be again when this crazy time in my life has passed.” 

(x)



I'm personally trying to keep this in mind, always.


College has been... to say insane would sound so tame. I finished foundation in less than two weeks ago and over the year, I've done so many things I never thought I'd get to do, never thought I would even do, never thought I have actually been wanting to do. Degree starts next Monday, and that's another 3 years of... that. Crazy times.

Some friends said I haven't changed, and I laughed. I have, but I haven't really. I don't want to be the same person waking up this morning as I was falling asleep yesterday, but there's no denying that some people have the ability to break through and pull out my core self whenever I'm with them. And I don't fight it. Cause I know that, with these people, I don't need to put on a façade. It doesn't matter what kind of person I am around them. There's no judgement, just acceptance.

My own anchor of reality, putting me completely at ease.


- m.

+ note: I'm in Hogwarts.

Spotted this owl pigeon hole at one of the blocks in college. From a couple of months back, but still. Professor James Potter. In. My. College.

Now I'll just have to find that damned hidden swimming pool.

TWO MORE WEEKS, GUYS.


- m.

What if,

I post a bunch of drafts that I have in this blog? There's more than a dozen of them, and I hate drafts, I have enough in my journal. But I don't want to delete them. They'll probably be ambiguous as all hell and makes absolutely no sense, and pisses you off more than you already are, but like an old friend said, that's a sign of a person who doesn't know how to organize their thoughts well.

What if I'm that kind of person though? I'm that kind of person. Right now, I'm that kind of person. Cause I have too much in my head. Too many words, words twisting, jumbling up together, forming different sentences, just flowing. But I like it. At least I'm thinking. Constantly. I'm not just floating around breathing, going with the flow. I'm thinking.

Taking charge of of the places I go.


Or maybe not. I still only go wherever You go.


So... this has been a meaningless product of procrastination, thanks to some McD and 3 cups of Coke. What I should be having instead, is some dose of Psychology terms in my head, if I want to even get an A for this class next week. Blah.

Carry on, now.


- m.

phew!

it's okay now! apparently it got stuck, so all i had to do was press it a little harder than necessary. see? sometimes raging does work.

- m.

asdfghjkl

i am not even kidding about the right arrow key okay it is seriously getting on my nerves i mean come on! let me type in peace!

- m.

in a battle of my own.

Today marks the Final Battle of Hogwarts, the day Lord Voldemort fell and in commemoration, I drew the Deathly Hallows symbol at the back of my hand. Very pointlessly so, but yes. July 14th, baby! Beware of the floods; coming in cinemas near you.

Yeah, yeah. Harry Potter nerd, hands up high and proud.


Anyway, some friends took me out to lunch at Empire today, and I'm just... okay I miss everyone now :( But thank you, loves!  It's a good break for my eyes, from all the readings I have to do off the computer, but hohoh back to work now.

Oh, the price you pray for procrastinating.

Too bad I love the pressure.

I think the right key on my keyboard is broken.

Yeah well what I'm trying to say is: July, come at me bro.


- m.

expectations:

- m.

(Speak)

"I know my head isn't screwed on straight. I want to leave, transfer, warp myself to another galaxy. I want to confess everything, hand over the guilt and mistake and anger to someone else. There is a beast in my gut, I can hear it scraping away at the inside of my ribs. Even if I dump the memory, it will stay with me, staining me. My closet is a good thing, a quiet place that helps me hold these thoughts inside my head where no one can hear them."

- Laurie Halse Anderson.

This is the starting point –

are you with me?

Semester 3 promises some heavy workload, and I'm probably the only one cheering about this. Even if my time management skills are close to nada, and at the end of the day I'll most probably end up cussing up a storm (hello, Twitter! What good are you if not for spontaneous ranting). This could prove fruitful. Sure, what's another challenge without another handful of "what on earth have I gotten myself into ye gods," moments. But to RT @Lord_Voldemort7, "If everything is under control, you are going too slow."

So. Yeah.

Pushing boundaries, woo!

And no I'm not just saying this to stop myself from freaking out about having to find and read a hundred different journals and books for the research paper that takes up 40% of my entire grade in ECS3 but homaigawd who am I kidding this is scary and to think that every subject that I'm going to take when I get into degree will require me to do this exact thing except probably a 100 times more intense what what what okay.

Happy Friday!


- m.

Just thinking.

I want to say, "yay! I've finished my 30 days challenge!" but the truth is I'm not, really. I have, but—not when it sticks by so close that I breathe out the words I wrote weeks after still. It's going to haunt me, now that it's out in the open. 30 days ago, I didn't know what I signed up for.

I want to say, "I've learned something new from this," but I haven't, not really, no. It's all the things I already know. Things buried too many layers too deep that I'm not fond of visiting cause it hurts too much. Knowing what I know; knowing what I shouldn't know. It's there, I just don't dwell on it. Usually. In the day, when it's bright and open and everyone can see. But then I did. It's a good thing to finally let it go, I guess? But is that what it is? Closure? No, not when it only involves one party. Me. It's not closure if you don't know how I feel. If I don't know how you feel about what I feel. I should send them, but I will not. God knows I haven't the guts.


I'm sorry if I'm just going to turn this around back to me. It's not that I think The World revolves around me, I just feel like My World should. I shouldn't care about someone who don't. Make someone my number one when I'm not.

Yet I've never learned, have I?


- m.

Hullo, March.

The phrase "I AM SCREAMING." can define my week. I can't. I just. Minute 21:34 to 23:50 of The French Mistake will never not be funny, ever. Oh, god.

I'm also participating in the 30 Day Letter Challenge. I might post them up, but given my track record for everything else recently, I just might not. This is scary hard though. Alexithymia tends to kick in as I write.

Also, I liked how RDJ and Jude Law eyed each other up colour coded at the Oscars.

That is all.

Oh yeah, I'm a day or so late, but Weasley is our King. It's not possible for me to finish Go Ask Alice in one go. And I still cried the third time I watched The Social Network. I can't even—

I need to sleep.

- m.

Truth.

This might as well came from me.

(via postsecret)



One week left, but this hasn't working out well as of late. Technology has been more of a disturbance than a stimulant for some creative output. For some brain power. Darting back and forth between Tumblr and LiveJournal, I've lost every sense of understanding that I barely had to begin with. The more you know, the more you don't and all that. Sure, the input has been crazy overwhelming. The coding processes, however, has been somewhat stuck on replay with no improbable results.

I need to write more. So I'm swearing off the two social networking sites in a while. Too character constricting. Words getting taken out of context.


Don't worry if you have no idea what I'm talking about, that's how I know I'm on the right track. It's all still a work in progress.




- m.

I like surprises.

So I tend to downplay things. Matters. Events. That way, everything surprises me. Every people, every way possible. It's a cheap surge of adrenaline rush, but I'm a helpless junkie. And today, oh boy, today, I was high.

And extremely emotional :') thank you thank you thank you.



- m.

It's completely absurd

to think that a person can regret something that once made them laugh. How something that made someone so happy suddenly be a really bad thing. Stop fooling yourself into basing past events on your current feelings. Regardless if things have changed now, that's the funny thing about the past; it stays the same.

I don't even know. I can't. Think. It's as if I've been stuck in a limbo these past two days. Need stimulation!



- m.

The dreams in which I'm dying

are the best I've ever had.

There's a dip in my mattress from where I've been sitting, cross-legged since morning, contemplating still about the meaning of this movie. Tangent Universe story arc aside, how far would you go to save the ones you truly care for?

I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. That the only way to come across such events is by dreaming. That... if things don't go the way it's planned, at least I have the chance to wake up.

I can wake up.


- m.

Happy Chinese New Year!

My neighbourhood's strangely quiet tonight.

Spent the whole day reading A Study in Scarlet, and repeatedly heaping mom's homemade mac n cheese onto my plate. Hah, cleansing month is becoming more of an eating month. I approve! And I expect cake next week. And hopefully the week after. Yepp, love me some cake.

Watching Donnie Darko later. Figures if I can't handle this movie, there's no way I can handle Gregg Araki's trilogy I have planned for next week.

Suffice to say, it's also very dark in this room.

... this'll be interesting.

I take back what I said about this neighbourhood's being strangely quiet. The kabooming has commenced.


- m.

Refills, please.

A little more than two weeks without meeting any of my One Fifty, and I'll get extremely agitated. I'm not asking for much; just maybe a movie and lunch?

By the way, a year and one hundred and sixty-four yards between us, and  I could still recognize your voice. I bet I can still find your face in the crowd as well.


- m.

A clean slate.

I need to get into the habit of writing down everything again, for my sake. February is cleansing month, you guys. Expect 2 a.m. nostalgias.


- m.