Just thinking.

I want to say, "yay! I've finished my 30 days challenge!" but the truth is I'm not, really. I have, but—not when it sticks by so close that I breathe out the words I wrote weeks after still. It's going to haunt me, now that it's out in the open. 30 days ago, I didn't know what I signed up for.

I want to say, "I've learned something new from this," but I haven't, not really, no. It's all the things I already know. Things buried too many layers too deep that I'm not fond of visiting cause it hurts too much. Knowing what I know; knowing what I shouldn't know. It's there, I just don't dwell on it. Usually. In the day, when it's bright and open and everyone can see. But then I did. It's a good thing to finally let it go, I guess? But is that what it is? Closure? No, not when it only involves one party. Me. It's not closure if you don't know how I feel. If I don't know how you feel about what I feel. I should send them, but I will not. God knows I haven't the guts.


I'm sorry if I'm just going to turn this around back to me. It's not that I think The World revolves around me, I just feel like My World should. I shouldn't care about someone who don't. Make someone my number one when I'm not.

Yet I've never learned, have I?


- m.